Posts Tagged ‘autism acceptance’

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The wedding party 😀

I haven’t been on here for a while because life has been pretty hectic. I have few subjects I’d like to blog about but can’t find the words just yet. Anyway, I wanted to let everyone know i’m still here. I’ve just been a bit overwhelmed with life. I’d also like to share with you my best day ever besides the birth of my kids. Here’s a picture of my wedding day.

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ImageA couple days ago it was made aware to me that some organization called The Six Degrees Project  proposed a couple hours of silence for autistic people, especially those who are limited in ‘traditional’ speech, so that they could ‘put themselves in an autistic’s shoes’.

I find this offensive. How does 2 hours of complete silence honor autistic people? Moments of silence are usually reserved for the dead. Autistic people are not dead in the least!! And another thing, if you haven’t bothered to get to know one, even one autistic person, you have no idea what it’s like in our shoes. Autism is not a disease or disorder, it’s a way of being. Yes, there are difficulties, but who in this life doesn’t have those? Shame on anyone who actually thought this was a good idea. Many of my fellow bloggers have made the same point, but I’m gonna make this short. DO NOT TRY TO PUT YOURSELF IN OUR SHOES, ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVEN’T EVEN TAKEN THE CHANCE TO KNOW US!! Thanks for listening to my rant. *hugs*

I’ve been debating on what to write about. There are so many things going on in my head right now. It’s hard to put everything into words sometimes. So I figured I’d do a blog more about me.

My very first blog post was about my son, and how we came to know about autism and his diagnoses. Thing is, I did not react like many parents of diagnosed children. I readily accepted it though I didn’t know that much about autism at the time. I’ve never looked at my son as broken or someone who needed fixing, I just love him how he is.

When I started making friends with autistic adults, I began learning how different each individual really is. I also found that the diagnosis for many women happens much later than usual because so-called “experts” pretty much think that it mainly affects boys. I’ve read a few blogs by women on the spectrum. One of them kept getting misdiagnosed with various maladies. It seems that the differences between boys and girls also applies to how people deal with autism. As my understanding of autism grew, I started seeing similarities to my own past, and I begun to wonder if perhaps I, myself, belong on the spectrum (and is this the reason why I easily accepted my son’s diagnosis in the first place).

As far back as my earliest memories reveal, I’ve always been different. In kindergarten I  could not relate to the other kids as they seemed to relate to each other. I was relentlessly bullied all through elementary and middle school. This was the ’70’s; Different kids were usually diagnosed with the psychological fad diagnosis A.D.H.D. — and put on drugs. I’ve come to believe that many children have been misdiagnosed, like I had been.  Thank goodness my parents were observant — and even a bit skeptical to the fad psychological diagnoses — to see what the Ritalin was doing to me. They didn’t like it. So they stopped giving it to me. Not sure, but I do think even though I wasn’t on it long, that it may have done some damage.

I never had many friends, and much of my time during my youth, I spent it mostly by myself ‘in my own world’. I just wasn’t good at relating and when I tried to, I failed miserably much of the time. To this day, I feel uncomfortable looking people in the eye, unless I’m super close to them. I also feel very odd and uncomfortable in a crowded room. I feel almost alien. Even among the people I know, the punk/goth/electro music scene. I still feel like a freak among even the freakiest of people. Many people don’t know this. I hide it very well.

Thing is, for a long time, I believed that I had ADHD. Even while not on meds. Well, a few years ago, I was told I didn’t have it. I was told that I have bipolar disorder and PTSD. Again, put on a bunch of meds. I felt like a zombie, I couldn’t feel anything. I stopped taking all the meds because I would rather feel something, even deep sadness, than to feel nothing. Again, misdiagnosed. I know people who have bipolar disorder, and so, yea I know that I don’t have it. Plus if I did, you’d think that the drugs would work. And they didn’t, not one bit. I do have post-traumatic stress disorder though, that’s a long story for much later.

For 42 years, I’ve been wondering what is “wrong” with me. Thing is, I have begun to realize that just maybe there is NOTHING wrong with me. The possibility that I, myself, am autistic makes more and more sense. I want to get evaluated, but not sure about how to go about it. I do want to know. I know some would say, “you are doing fine, why would you want to?”  I want to know, I need to know, because then my life so far would finally make sense. And I could be proud of the fact that there really never was anything wrong with me.