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It’s been so long since I last posted. I’m so sorry..so so sorry. 

In the past year, I got married, found out my mom’s cancer came back…did things I never imagined..i’ve lived life. REALLY lived…as most don’t. 

Let me explain, I was dedicating this whole blog to autism..and acceptance. Now i’m changing..alot. Being on the spectrum, does not mean to only be about that…there are so many others in our world..many who need us. We are not the only ones without a voice. so many have none..but anyway..i feel i need to tell you of my journey a bit but can’t tell much at the moment.

I got overwhelmed by the autism community itself..being autistic myself..i don’t like pressure…not at all. Once my wedding came, shit..that’s all i could do. Then Alex was killed. then more abuse..every damned day.

Ok so yes…we have obstacles..etc. I am sick of it. but, this post is not about that…

What if I told you there was a man..a mad man in a blue box? all he cared for was humanity, besides our faults? BESIDES  OUR FAULTS!!!!!!????

What also happened to me, getting back into watching Dr. Who…The Doctor..so selfless..he even gives his enemies a chance…reallly who the hell does that shit!!?

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Above is my son as the 10th doctor.

That mad man doesn’t care where or who or what. He loves us. for every little bit of who we are. he fights for us..even dies..regenerates..but yes..he still dies. How many of us can say we’d do this?

Sad part is, he’s fictional..but how i wished he were real.as my son does. Finally my son looks up to a real hero..he used to  like darth vader…now it’s “the Doctor”..I’m so happy.

BTW, my son…my autistic son is now an honor student…

and what Time Lord wouldn’t  love that!!!?

I sure am proud!

I have no clue what i’m getting at except we all need to be better at who we are..strive to be  so so much better..and that is what the Doctor has taught me…to just be better.

make the Doctor proud.

I want to be better than what and who I am…

I wish we all could just be better..no matter our neurology.

Let’s all just be better…that’s all i ask.

My journey doesn’t end here..neither should yours…

trust me, I have so much to say but many times have a hard time saying any of it.

I don’t have time to make this nice and tidy. i don’t have time to be polite and THINK of social skills. I am mad..pissed, and fucking hurt. yes hurt! Alright people who may not know, but Cracked decided to say I FAKE A DISEASE here.

First..assholes, I don’t FAKE a disease. Btw, assholes. It’s NOT a disease..it’s how my fucking brain is..how my son’s brain is..how we are!! My son is diagnosed, i’m not. but I see myself in him. Sorry, CRACKED, if my life makes sense now.

In your article you mention, others who are bipolar, etc. you really think we WANT to be cool..sorry, but lately if you didn’t see, being autistic or disabled can get you killed and quite literally. you fucking think that is a fucking joke? yes, people like me, like my son, killed for who they are. and your joke also hurts those who are as you would say, more effected by “the disease”.

Newsflash! autism is not a disease!! it’s not a tragedy and we don’t suffer from autism..we suffer from YOUR ignorance. Fuck you, Cracked..this is war..I can’t even be composed right now..maybe later I will be.

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The wedding party😀

I haven’t been on here for a while because life has been pretty hectic. I have few subjects I’d like to blog about but can’t find the words just yet. Anyway, I wanted to let everyone know i’m still here. I’ve just been a bit overwhelmed with life. I’d also like to share with you my best day ever besides the birth of my kids. Here’s a picture of my wedding day.

Alex,

If you were my son, I would have loved you beyond the stars

If you were my son, I would have done everything in my power to do my best to take care of you

If you were my son, I’d have made sure you knew what bright light you were in my life.

If you were my son, you’d know that you were perfect just as you are.

If you were my son, no matter how tough things got, I’d have never given up on you.

If you were my son, we’d have learned to communicate with each other, if not with words, we’d have found other ways.

If you were my son, Once able to communicate, I would have done my best to understand you.

If you were my son, I’d have made sure every need was fulfilled the best I could.

If you were my son, you’d never feel like a burden.

If you were my son, No one would ever be able to tell me that you were somehow less than or needed curing.

If you were my son, everyday would have been filled with smiles and laughter.

If you were my son, you would have reached your full potential, whatever that would be.

If you were my son, I’d have wanted you to become the best man I could help you to be.

If you were my son, I’d have watched you grow into a great man.

If you were my son, I’d have been proud as can be.

AND IF YOU WERE MY SON, I’D HAVE NEVER LET ANYONE DO YOU HARM! GOD FORBID, THEY EVER DID.❤

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Click picture to link to the Facebook page for Alex’s vigil

This last weekend was the most joyful weekend I’ve had in my life. Family and friends came together to watch me and my best friend get married. My love drunk joy was quickly squashed by the horrifically sad and sickening news that a fourteen year old autistic boy was stabbed to death by his own mother.  

Right now, I can’t keep my food down — this makes me so sick. And what’s more horrifying, is how Alex was treated before his mother so viciously murdered him. To imagine what it must have been like to stare into the eyes of the person who is supposed to love and protect him only to die at the hands of her? I can’t understand why or how anyone could do this. It’s just beyond my comprehension.

Then I find out she was part of thisAge of Autism organization. She was a ‘cure-bee’, bought into their ideas of what they think autism is, with their messages of misery and suffering — instead of the gift that Autism can be; how people like me, my son, and my friends need to be ‘cured’ of it.

Alex did not suffer from autism. He suffered from the ignorance of others around him. He suffered from people who wanted to ‘control’ him. He suffered from people who refused to even attempt to understand and accept him. He was abused and tortured and neglected. Then in the end, the person who was supposed to protect him, took his life and in a very horrific way.

I can’t even tell you how infuriated I am. There’s NO excuse. NONE. Do not feel sorry for his mom! She is slime and deserves to be locked up for LIFE!!

I might add more to this post later, but in light of the fact that while I was starting a new life with my husband, a 14 yr. old boy was being viciously murdered by his mother. I have no words to describe my feelings at this moment. I can really only say that this culture of misery concerning autism must end!

I haven’t written in sometime. Basically, because I’ve been so busy and so much is going on in my life at the moment that I just haven’t taken the time. Last month, some great things happened. My state became the 12th state to legalize gay marriage. Love and common sense finally won. Also, my own fiance decided around our two year anniversary that instead of buying himself a new drum kit, that we’d finally make it legal! Yes, I’m getting married! I couldn’t be more excited or more nervous. What is it about a wedding and marriage that would make one get so nervous? I know he’s the right one for me, so that’s not the issue. Maybe it’s because it is such a big step in commitment. I think that’s more what it is. 

For me though, Love is nothing i’ve ever taken lightly. And I’ve been hoping for over 40 yrs to find the person who would understand me and accept me just as I am. I can’t even explain how great it feels to have that person in my life. He truly is amazing. He knows just what to do, without me having to say anything. Yes, I do think it’s possible for men to do that. If they just take the time and truly care for their partner. Me and him, we are a team. I have no doubt about it. And he’s been a great stepfather to my oldest son, and of course, an amazing father to our baby boy who just turned a year old in May. Watching him with our boys gives me a warm feeling inside. I just love him so much. After the wedding, I’ll be posting my vows I wrote (maybe his too if he’ll write them down for me).

Also, since realizing my own place on the spectrum, I’ve gotten to know some awesome people in the autism rights community. I can’t tell you enough how much it’s meant to get to know some of these people and how wonderful they are whether autistic, or NT (neurotypical, which is basically a non-autistic person). I also feel like my whole world has opened up and finally is starting to make sense. I’m still looking into an official diagnosis. I’m sure that will happen at some point. But, until that happens, I’m fine with who I am even without that. Having the love of someone who accepts all my weird quirks and insane anxieties and crazy thoughts, etc; it really does make a difference. This is also why I fight for acceptance in society too. Acceptance of our differences is so important. It’s what makes the world less boring too. I mean really, if everyone was the same, how freakin’ boring would that be?! Anyway, I’m really excited to start this new chapter in my life as a married woman. No need to wish me luck, I don’t need it!

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Me and My fiance, Billy, at Goth Prom.

Cheers!

I know some may not agree with me on this, but I think that this by far is the best representation of an autistic individual I’ve seen ever in TV or movies.

It starts off with Will Graham, played by Hugh Dancy, giving a lecture about a crime scene and trying to get the students to see what he sees when profiling a killer.

In walks FBI agent Jack Crawford, played by Laurence Fishburne, comes in and wants Graham’s help. For introduction of ‘s character, Crawford asks upfront, “where are you on the spectrum?” Will tells him, he has Asperger’s. These are not the exact words, but it’s obvious he’s not ashamed of his neurological condition. That’s the last you hear the word autism brought up, but as it’s portrayed here is very good because they show you in not so many words what it’s like for at least someone like this guy. On top of that, they don’t give you the stereotypes of what some have said of autism in the past.

Graham FEELS empathy, so much so, he can actually go into the mind of a killer. He reads people so well that it’s almost handicapping. But he is strong, stronger than even the FBI agent thinks. This is where you see that Crawford needs Graham but is concerned, so he brings Dr. Hannibal Lector in to  help Psychologically profile the killer they are looking for and he ends up psychoanalyzing Will  (he’s not to happy when Lector does this). As we can see, Lector is the true monster in this. He’s a serial killer and they don’t know it yet. It will be interesting to see how this show progresses.  I don’t know how long they can go before it gets ridiculous if Lector isn’t caught.

They really don’t make a big deal of Graham’s autism, but they show his difficulties, which is good. They also show him as a human like everyone else. He cares, he feels. Amazing. I really love it. And it’s also the first time I really relate with a character. I know Will Graham, I know what it’s like. I walk into a room, and I can feel everything in that room. I don’t have a savant skill such as his, but I can feel so much around me in the world that it hurts.
I think I may have found my favorite crime show on TV.

Whoever the writers are, I applaud them for doing a great job and not making it a joke. I applaud them for showing us autistics as human and nothing more or less than. Also, for showing a character who is capable. They assume competence. And that is the best part of it.

Video  —  Posted: April 18, 2013 in Autism, Autistic people are, Autistic rights, Neurodiversity
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